Truth to tell, it would be extremely rare, if not impossible, to find two people with perfectly

matched libidos. If that was possible, it would definitely be impossible for them to match every

single time, despite the fact that it feels that way for most couples at the beginning of their

relationship. They don’t live together, have spans of time between “dates”, and if they are

sexually intimate, both are generally mutually interested in participating fully in that endeavor

most of the times when they’re able to be together.

And thus our expectations are set for all that is to come in the future. Since that early passion

will inevitably change in most relationships over time, it’s vitally important to understand what

that’s about-and what it’s not.

As a certified sexuality therapist, I see many couples for whom “mismatched” libidos are the

reason they come to counseling. Despite what most think, it is not always the woman whose

libido causes her to desire sexual intimacy less often than her male partner in heterosexual

relationships. Often it’s the man’s drive which is lower in frequency. I believe this

misconception arises out of popular, but toxic mythology, i.e. “guys only want one thing” and

“women use sex to control”. Never say never, but usually, neither is the case. These myths do

untold damage to people and relationships, and yet they endure. It’s ironic but disproving of the

myths, that when I see same gender couples, their libidos don’t identically match either!

When a couple has different libidos (which includes just about every couple I see), I often hear

them describing each other in negative ways-“he is a sex maniac” or “she is cold (seems to be

taking the place of ‘frigid’)”. This labeling makes an already challenging situation worse. A big

part of the problem is that the person who is more frequently interested in being sexual almost

always feels rejected by their partner. They take it personally and begin to wonder if, or even

believe that they are no longer desirable. Most often this isn’t the case. It’s hard to look outside

oneself enough to think that the less frequently interested partner is only taking care of

themselves by deciding if they are interested in being sexual or not. Due to this perception,

anger is likely to occur. As for the one declining the invitation, they usually feel a great deal of

pressure and guilt, which can turn into anger and resentment if not addressed. Oftentimes, when

this precedent is set and the couple does not discuss and find ways for resolution, the pattern

continues indefinitely, sometimes over the entire span of the relationship.

When one is being sexually intimate despite not wanting to be, that person may be engaging in

obligatory sex. It is rare to find people who actually want their partner to be with them out of

obligation, so it can be a lose/lose. That doesn’t mean that it might not be fine to offer one’s

partner sexual pleasure even if they are not interested in sexual pleasure for themselves.

Wanting to give something to your partner is a part of what goes on in the give and take of a

relationship. That’s different from obligation or a “have to”. Think back rubs. And while

you’re thinking about them, realize you get to say no if you choose and to quit when you’re tired

without guilt, and hopefully without your partner feeling rejected. Although more emotionally

complex, the same rules apply for sexual giving. Problems can arise from this when the desirous