Both sexual desire and frequency of desire differ among individuals. This may ebb and flow within a person during the course of their lifetime, but there is no ‘normal’ (something I refer to as a setting on a washing machine). When a couple is out of sync in this area, it often creates problems and disharmony. It’s rare that a couple is matched in this regard, and as stated, this match may change over time. At the beginning of a sexual relationship, the desire and frequency of desire is likely to be strong and often. This usually subsides to some extent over time as the relationship continues. Ideally, the excitement of the newness becomes replaced by the deepening of the intimacy shared by the couple. Over time, they have shared experiences, history, family ties, etc., all of which potentially lead to not only a greater sense of knowing each other, but to a heightened state of excitement and fulfillment, i.e. a much more evolved sense of physical and emotional intimacy. I am often met with skepticism when I make that statement, but there are people who not only will have that experience, but will confirm that this is so. What happens when a couple is significantly out of sync with each other in this regard? Very often guilt, blame, rejection, and resentment occur. I view this as taking a fundamental individual function personally. The quest for whose frequency of sexual desire is ‘normal’ is something I often see with couples. The need to see themselves as okay will cause them to label their partner in some negative way. “She is a nymphomaniac. There’s something wrong with him! She’s frigid. All he cares about is sex,” are just a few of the many accusations I’ve heard leveled against people’s partners in the name of truth and in the pursuit of being the ‘right’ one. This is not only competitive; it is destructive to the relationship. Sadly, we aren’t taught any of this. So our expectation that we will both want the same thing at the same time is unmet. Because this is so often the case in the beginning stages of relationships, that expectation is reinforced. When this ebbs over time, we seek to find an explanation as to why. Simply put, the explanation is that we are all different. Different does not mean right or wrong. That doesn’t mean that either partner can’t choose to give their partner pleasure, even if they themselves are not desirous of being sexual--there are many different ways to give and receive sexual pleasure, and not all roads lead to intercourse. It’s important that the giver be on board with the idea of giving their partner pleasure-consent. This sometimes becomes arousing for the giver, however, this doesn’t always happen. Women don’t have a corner on the market of low or no sexual desire, which is much less often talked about, especially between men. Women, on the other hand, often talk to each other about having less frequent desire than their husbands. So when a man has less interest than his female partner, he tends to think he’s the only one (not true) and that perhaps there is something wrong with him. His female partner often feels the same way about herself. The most common reason people give for coming to see me Is “mismatched libidos”. Truth to tell, it would be extremely rare, if not impossible, to find two people with perfectly matched libidos. It seems that way for most couples at the beginning of their relationship when they don’t live together, have spans of time between ‘dates,’ and both are generally mutually interested in being sexual most of the times they’re able to be together. And thus our expectations are set for the future. Since that early passion will usually change in most relationships over time, it’s vitally important to understand what that’s about—and what it’s not. Disproving of gender mythology, same gender couples don’t identically match either! Recognizing that your partner is simply taking care of themselves by having a choice about being sexual, can eliminate feelings of rejection. It’s important to engage in open and clear dialogue to find resolution, or the pattern of rejection, guilt, anger and resentment continues indefinitely. The science of sexuality is continually evolving. I highly recommend Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are, which is the best book I’ve ever read on women’s sexuality. I see it as a must-read for women, but also as very relevant for men, as it provides invaluable information on human sexuality. She also gives men an ”inside look” at women and their sexuality! Nagoski gives much attention to the concept of spontaneous versus responsive desire. She states that, in general, women are more likely to more frequently have responsive desire. This concept is so important for creating understanding, as opposed to labeling or blaming. It is a different and better way of approaching sexual desire, especially since we tend to define something as a problem when it doesn’t match our expectations. She also speaks of an important backdrop for desire which is context. In other words, what factors are at play: the emotional state the person is in, their mental state, the physical environment, body image issues, the state of the relationship, feeling desired versus feeling used by their partner, feeling accepted by their partner, the style of approach, negative mood, and so on. She also utilizes a perfect metaphor–brakes and accelerators–what stops desire and what drives desire. Imagine how differently things might evolve with the above perspective and understanding in place. Many a “No” might well turn into “Let’s cuddle and see what happens–without any expectations or promises!” This evolution brings with it a richer perspective on collaboration in the bedroom.

One last metaphor is Nagoski’s ‘garden.’ We are born with one which is planted by family and culture, until we can care for it ourselves. There we find already planted ideas and beliefs about love, self-image, boundaries and sex. It may be filled with healthy plants you want to keep, or there may be some plants and even weeds which don’t work well for you. You’re now in charge and get to decide what stays, what goes, and what new plants are important in order to make your garden thrive.​